Elderly gentleman saves commercial.

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If you don’t know who this man is, that my friends is national treasure Roy Blank. Blank went viral a few years back when his kid surprised him with tickets to the college football national title game. He is epitome of joy. He is the Nintendo 64 Christmas Kid rehashed as a kind, old fella. (The N64 kid is still the peak of unfiltered, raw hype). The clip of him being driven to tears struck a chord on the heartstrings of America. So like any great pocket of excitement in the world, it was time to make some money off it.

Fitting snuggly into that wheelhouse was Boston-based, secondary-ticket market giants Ace Ticket. Picture if Ticketmaster was Starbucks, well Ace Ticket is essentially Dunkin Donuts. The Mark Whalberg of ticket brokers. Recently, Ace Ticket has started running a promo campaign featuring a bunch of carbon copies of our hero Roy Blank’s clip. This commercial is everywhere when games are on. It’s on my TV, it’s on my phone, it’s on my computer when I’m illegally streaming out of town games. My problem with the commercial is pretty simple: none of these people are even excited! Let’s go to the tape:

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What kind of lifeless, wet blanket reaction is that? This kid sucks. I hate this kid and I don’t even know him. He zombied through the whole reveal with the pizzaz of Jim Caldwell or an actual dead guy. The pure look of malaise in his soulless eyes almost scares me to the point where that must be all you see when your spirit leaves your body. Don’t rewatch the gif too much because I’m not totally sure you won’t get sucked into the abyss like a wormhole Medusa and will find yourself trapped in the silent void where getting free tickets to the Celtics renders you paralyzed of elation. AT THE VERY LEAST GUY, give me a mild Ric Flair or even a slight display of human emotion. This was a Hayden Christensen-level performance of the highest order here. Pitiful. 2/10 on the Roy Blank scale.

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Next we got these three dopes. It’s so painfully obvious that some guy off-camera is telling them “Alright kids, just look excited, I don’t know.” it gets me every time. First kid couldn’t give a shit about those Sox tickets, he’s just here to cash his check and go hit up Gamestop. It’s like when Keith Foulke was pitching for the Sox and used to say his favorite day was Thursday. You know what day Thursday was? Payday. That’s this bozo. Wipe that smile off your face you liar. No true Sox fan could serve up such a bland reaction to, again, FREE TICKETS. These two girls are just as bad. The only thing missing from that head turn > woah react was an audio clip of Tim Allen letting out a “AEUHHH????“. There’s countless videos online of legends like Blank and N64 kid that could’ve sufficed to this promo, but you hire these kids with the excitement of a ham sandwich, probably less. You know when they say millennials are killing this and that? Well what’s the generation after millennials? Generation Z? Well Gen Z is killing happiness. 3/10 on the Roy Blank scale

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Couch guy? Oh man, I fucking HATE couch guy. Couch guy somehow is the worst one of all. This dude mails in this sell job so badly that I honestly feel bad for that Hayden Christensen comment earlier because he has to share a profession with this joke. The reaction, the jumping up off the couch, the ridiculous extended arm, running-through-a-field-of-flowers hugging motion. Possibly the worst acting performance in the history of motion pictures. This guy couldn’t play a blind man if he closed his eyes. Puke city all the way around. Disgusting. NEGATIVE 5/10 on the Roy Blank scale.

At this point, coupled with that nauseating Coldplay string/light piano background music that everyone hates them for, I think Ace Ticket is just trolling the shit out of the viewer. The level of insult to intelligence is so goddamn egregious in this spot that it’s almost an exercise in what you can get away with on TV. Not since Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction has there been such a lack of respect for the pure and true eyes of the American citizen. However, like Songstress of My Generation Mariah Carey once sang, “But then a hero comes along”. Blank reemerges from the dry swath of vanilla acting to deliver raw, unfiltered EMOTION! The tears, the shock, the ascent to the blissful elation that only that heaviest drops of dopamine can provide, Blank lights up the screen and in turn, our hearts. Thank you Roy. 100/10 on the Roy Blank scale. Long may you reign.

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